Commercially Zoned

Lately I have been in the market for a cheese press.

Just to be clear, I do not want to buy a cheese press, nor do I want to own a cheese press.  I’m not exactly sure what a cheese press does or why someone would even want a cheese press, except for maybe the people at Tillamook, and they probably already have one.  Nevertheless, I have been shopping for cheese presses for several months.

I started this little project after ordering a pair of shoes online.  Afterwards, I went to check out my Facebook page and there on the right-hand column was an advertisement for the shoes I just bought.  Instead of dwelling on how creepy it was to have someone or something peering over my virtual shoulder while I surfed the web, I decided to make a little game for myself.  My goal is to have an advertisement pop up offering me a sale on something ridiculous, something absurd, something nobody in their right mind would ever want to own.  I chose a cheese press.  (I apologize to any closet cheese-making friends that I have.  Cheese-making is a wonderful hobby and I hope it brings joy and fulfillment to you and your family for generations to come).  I’ve done Google searches on “cheese press” and priced them on Amazon.  It was a banner day (December 20^th, 2013) when I got an advertisement for a cheese making kit on my Facebook page.  It’s not the same thing as a cheese press, but I’m making progress.

Although the cheese press ad still eludes me, I am a little disturbed by the advertisements that I do find on my Facebook page.  Obviously, something convinced them that I am in need of some sort of hormone supplement that will balloon my muscles to the size of bean-bag chairs.  Perhaps someone is secretly observing my physique through my laptop camera.  Nevertheless, it’s always so much worse when I see an ad for something I that I have been  browsing for.  It happened again this Christmas as I was shopping for a camera for Jenny.  There it was, a Canon Rebel, practically begging me to click on it.  I know the advertisers expected me to feel pleased that they were sensitive to my needs. Instead, the hairs on the back of my neck went up.  I felt like I was a character in a horror movie.

I don’t like the idea that advertisers are stalking me like a lioness creeping up behind a baby zebra.  I find the old-fashioned advertising annoying enough, like when I’m in my car listening to the radio.  There’s one that starts out with

“When opportunity knocks, you sit up and take notice.  When opportunity knocks again, you get on the phone and make the call!”

I can’t remember the rest of the commercial because I’m always thinking Really?  That’s what we do when someone knocks?

DISPATCHER:  911 emergency, how may I help you?

ME:  (whispering frantically) There’s someone knocking at my door.  I think it’s                                  opportunity.

DISPATCHER:  Have they knocked more than once?

ME:  Yes.  That’s why I got on the phone and made the call.

DISPATCHER:  Stay calm.  What did you do the first time they knocked?

ME:  I sat up and took notice.

DISPATCHER:  We’ll send somebody out right away.

But some commercials go beyond annoying, pushing the envelope to the point where I feel like ripping my ears off.    If you have listened to radio at all, you probably have heard some.  I am about to discuss one of them, so to those of you who are radio listeners, please heed the following:

WARNING

I AM ABOUT TO PROVIDE THE LYRICS TO THE MOST ANNOYING COMMERCIAL JINGLE IN THE WORLD.  THIS SONG HAS BEEN KNOWN TO RAISE THE SUICIDE RATE OF LABORATORY RATS AND IS CONSIDERED TO BE “WEAPONS GRADE” BY THE U.S. MILITARY.  JUST READING THE LYRICS WILL CAUSE IT TO EMBED ITSELF IN YOUR BRAIN AND YOU WILL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ATTEMPT TO DRIVE IT AWAY BY LISTENING TO ANOTHER SONG BUT THIS WILL NOT WORK UNLESS THE NEW SONG IS EQUALLY ANNOYING, LIKE “MANIC MONDAY” BY THE BANGLES.  WE ADVISE YOU TO STOP READING THIS BLOG IMMEDIATELY AND NAVIGATE TO THIS VIDEO OF A BABY ATTEMPTING TO WALK ON ICE FOR THE FIRST TIME:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Eg5-4Pn444

THANK YOU.

There’s this one commercial for a charity organization called KARS-4-KIDS.  It starts with a high-hat cymbal being played with a country swing….tsss-t-t-tsss-t-t-…followed by a guitar.  Then a child’s voice begins to bleat out the melody:

One-eight-seven-seven Kars-4-Kids!

K-A-R-S Kars-4-Kids!

One-eight-seven-seven Kars-4-Kids!

Do-NATE your car today!

Then a man’s voice sings the same thing.  Then the man and the child begin to sing together.  Perhaps other things happen later in the commercial, like the man and the child singing alternate words in the song, or singing the song in Spanish.  I don’t know, because I’ve never made it to the end of the commercial.  I always turn the radio off before then.

It’s gotten to the point where I can have the radio silenced by the second tsss on the high-hat.  My hand darts off the steering wheel almost of its own accord with the quickness and agility of a striking cobra.  I like to think that this represents a tiny evolutionary advancement that will ensure the survival of my offspring long into the future, much like fish who developed lungs and legs so they could live on land and escape whatever toxicity that lurked in the water, quite likely some prehistoric version of a Kars-4-Kids commercial.

I understand that advertising brings in revenue, and that the amount that companies pay corresponds to how many people are listening or watching or browsing.  So I wonder how the program managers at radio stations would feel to know that when certain radio commercials come on I actually turn off the radio.  Perhaps if I told them that, they would stop playing those commercials.  Of course, they would then want to find out what kind of things I might actually buy.

If they ask, I plan to tell them I’m shopping for a cheese press.

(Update:  Today, January 27, 2014, the day I finished this blog, I found a cheese-press ad on my Facebook page.  My life is complete.)